What we need, in these dark and dreary times, is something to lift our spirits. Something light, bright, white and totally divorced from reality. Preferably Spanxed up to the eyebrows, dripping with diamonds, and on the cover of Hello! magazine, arm in arm with a pristine, linen-clad Shane Warne. Bring on Liz Hurley. Oh, Liz, you may be bonkers, but we’ve missed you. Welcome home.
When I say ‘bonkers’, I do of course mean highly intelligent, fiercely ambitious, attractive, successful and admirably single-minded. Liz wants to be a rich country lady, living on a big estate with animals and crops and stuff, and jetting off for lovely holidays in palm-fringed places. And I don’t think there’s a box she hasn’t ticked, so all power to her elbow.
No doubt 21 pages of her, Shane and their children, dressed always and only in crisp white vacation wear across the middle of Hello! will fund the odd chicken, villa somewhere nice and feed for the horses. Not only that, but it gives them a chance to air their side of the story about their whirlwind romance, the marriages that didn’t seem to be over at the time (but apparently were) and the real chain of events behind Shane’s new eyebrows. They sort of look, in these pages, as if they’ve died and gone to Hurley heaven. I’m not sure that’s quite what they were going for, but whatever.
She is, uncannily, what would happen if you crossed Katie Price with Joan Collins (not that I would recommend crossing either of them, frankly). If you turned the glamour up to 11 and removed any shred of privacy or normality. She is the celebrity Hello! was made for. And Shane Warne ….? Oh, the bonkersness of the whole thing is fabulous.
I feel a bit sorry for famous people who value their private lives. It must be hard to explain that actually you don’t want any attention when you’re not working, when for Liz, being on holiday with the children is work. However, nobody can complain that she doesn’t take this work deadly seriously. 21 pages! Plus the cover! All colour-co-ordinated and everything.
I mean – hello?