Not again, Kate

Was she even listening after the BAFTAs?

What did Kate Winslet wear for her Oscar moment? Grey. Grey, I tell you!

Was it a job interview? No. Had a relative recently died? I believe not. Was it about to be the most exciting evening of her entire life? Quite possibly.

Oh dear.

And the winner-takes-all colour of the night? White. Penelope Cruz, tick. Nicole Kidman and Marisa Tomei, tick. SJP, ditto. OK, it was pale green, technically, but it looked white in the photos. Even Miley Cirus (lose the belt, love). But Penelope in her Balmain won the out and out prize. Vintage, voluminous, delicate, lovely. Worthy of an Oscar all by its little old self.

Ah, the Oscars. Danny Boyle was as gracious as ever. Kate managed to hold it together. Ricky Gervais was there in spirit as a joke-writer, even if he didn’t get to present. The filming of ‘Slumdog – The Oscars’ would’ve brought as much of a tear to the eye as the original (adapted) screenplay. All that was missing was Joan Rivers dissing the dresses.

Bring back Joan! Enough with the bright young things desperately asking inane questions of stars who are trying not to look as if they’d rather have all their veneers removed without anaesthetic than dignify them with an answer. It’s basically a frock show, with statues. Joan knows this. We know this. But not even Joan could have dissed Penelope.

Tonight, Matthew, I’m going to be Penelope Cruz in vintage Balmain and be the most beautiful, stunningly talented, fabulously dressed woman on the planet, winning a prize so valuable studies have shown it will actually prolong my life.

There. I feel better already.


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